I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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