At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
