i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
