The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
