Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
