Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize