My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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