I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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