that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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