make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i've created a new STD.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
