I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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