ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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