this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
