Got a toothbrush?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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