Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize