Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
