Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
