It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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