His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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