I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
