Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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