I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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