She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
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