there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
