The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
