I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
