what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
