omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
