Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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