I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
