she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize