i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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