Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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