So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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