Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
