i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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