things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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