a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
