did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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