your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
