I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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