It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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