census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
