Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
