looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
