did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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