you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
