He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
