if you like me you must not know who I am
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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