She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize