WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
