i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
