if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Congratulations! We have a period
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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