eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
