i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
