i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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