Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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