Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
