WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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