you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
